Woah. Pretty cool that I can say I have a kid now. It’s crazy and I’m still oh-my-Godding every two seconds because I just can’t believe it. What I can’t believe even more is how the birth went down. Like, it was CRAZY easy. I’m not trying to brag, but it really was. And if there was any guarantee that any future pregnancies went the same way, then I’d probably have 100 kids. The end.

So, here’s how the story goes: (ps: I was due April 17th)

Tuesday, April 14th: I woke up feeling pretty good. Tyler went to work and I hung out around the house with my parents for the day. Just before dinner, I started feeling crampy, except I wasn’t really sure if they were just cramps because they were a bit stronger. I decided to start playing around with my contraction timer app, but they were inconsistent which led me to believe that it could just be false labor. Sweet. Before bed, I showered (shaved my legs…THANK GOD) and painted my nails. I slept a couple hours until…

Wednesday, April 15th: 12:22am I woke up in typical discomfort. I decided to go to the bathroom so I wouldn’t disturb Tyler and wait out some of the uncomfortableness. Gross alert: I was bleeding a bit, but remembered it could just be the mucus plug thingy you lose prior to labor, so I wasn’t overly concerned since apparently that’s not a red-flag-go-to-the-hospital-right-away thing. I went back into the bedroom and the pain had definitely increased. I tried bending over the bed or propping myself up with pillows, but the pain kicked in quick enough that I had a hard time keeping still/quiet during the intermittent pain. I had 2 of those suckers in a row that Tyler suggested we should go to the hospital (I didn’t really want to). I agreed, and we left at 1:30am. By then, the contractions were frequent and strong enough that Tyler declared he was about to pull over and call an ambulance…um no, please just drive faster we are almost there!

Tyler pulled up to the ER doors, put me in a wheelchair and brought me up to labor and delivery. The nurses at the desk were taking their sweet time asking for my health care card and getting some paperwork sorted but we finally were wheeled to a bed where yet another nurse was slowly having me get in a gown. As difficult as it was, I undressed and as soon as I laid on the bed I screamed “I GOTTA PUSH!!!!!” (so weird how abruptly and loud that came out considering we were in a room with several other laboring women behind various curtains). The nurse said she’d check me (YES, please do! We had been at the hospital for a few minutes and I was in very obvious pain. PS: Super awkward to all of a sudden start moaning a writhing in a wheelchair when you can see a huddle of nurses behind the desk sharing a bag of rice cakes and chatting).

She checked me and said I was 9.5 cm and they wheeled me into a delivery room. YAY/OH SHIT. One nurse and the doctor came in and introduced themselves- both were girls who appeared my age! The nurse stood on my right- Tyler on my left and they propped my feet up on the bar. Tyler did the 10-count with every contraction while the nurse was giving me tips on how to push. It was basically just the three of us in the delivery room for a few rounds of contractions and the doctor would pop in every once and I while to look at the progress I was making.

DID I MENTION THIS ALL HAPPENED SO FAST THAT I HAD NO EPIDURAL. NO DRUGS. NONE. NOT EVEN AN IV. JOT THAT DOWN UNDER ‘INTENSE’

The doctor/nurse kept commenting on how crazy it was that I didn’t know I was in labor and how strong I was, yadda yadda. I was in the zone. If my eyes weren’t closed, I was staring straight ahead of me. FOCUSED.

At one point, I remember readjusting my grip on the blanket I was laying on and I noticed my left hand was stuck to the blanket- I was so warm and had gripped so hard that I ruined the manicure I had just given myself a few hours before. I commented on it out loud and they all started laughing that THAT was what I was frustrated about..nevermind the head that was coming out of my body.

Just a few minutes later, the nurse called the doctor in for delivery and the detached the bottom half of the bed. They told me I had to make the next round of pushes my best (some of my contractions resulted in baby’s slight heart rate drop for only a few moments) If I didn’t PUSH, a c-section could present itself as a possibility. As soon as I heard the C word, I let out a loud, evil NOOOOOOOOO and pushed as hard as I could (while still grunting the tail-end of nooooooo). The head came out, I pushed a bit more per the doctor’s instructions- a couple of small pulsing pushes and a couple more big ones- and then there was a baby on my chest: 3:30am. That’s right. Less than 2 hours after we arrived at the hospital.

NEAT.

Tyler cut the cord (which was apparently very short). Then the doctor asked if we wanted to see the placenta, to which we both firmly replied in unison a big fat NO, so she went to work on fixing up a level 2 tear and we just stared at this tiny human we were not expecting to see few at least a few more days.

Run on sentence, but whatever. I’m trying to write all this before I forget it!

She warned me the freezing agent she was going to use prior to stitches would sting and be pretty painful. A couple of seconds later, I asked if she had used it yet, and her facial expression completely changed. She was shocked not only that I pushed out the baby like a breeze *sans medication* but now I couldn’t even feel her shooting a needle up my lady bits and stitching me up! TAKE THAT.

To be honest, the worst part was having the nurse massage my stomach afterwards. I mean, if I had to have one complaint- that would be it.

After all was said and done and the doctor/nurse were about to walk out of the delivery room, Tyler and I both thanked them. They both responded “No, thank YOU!” They were still commenting on how calm/strong/whatever-awesome-adjective-you-want-to-use I was throughout the whole process that they said I made their job easy. You’re welcome.

They also told me not to tell other mamas about my awesomeness, but….. here we are. 😉

We stayed in the delivery room for an hour longer so that baby could be checked out, paperwork could be completed, and I could basically be taught how to pee for the next few days. By 5:15am, we were wheeled to a private postpartum room and had several other nurses come in and do checks on both me and baby. They asked if I wanted ibuprofen for the pain, but I didn’t really have any. They made me take it anyways since it wouldn’t hurt anything.

Not that it really mattered, but I had a sweet view of downtown from my room!

We spent the rest of Wednesday and overnight in the hospital and we discharged Thursday morning after the NP checked him out and he got a bath. Scary part: having to stay in the hospital overnight by myself. Um, my first day as a mom and I was left alone with a newborn! It was pretty overwhelming trying to make sure he fed enough/on-time (ps: he also had an immediate and great latch), that he was changed properly, and that he didn’t suffocate in the bassinet when I attempted about 5 minutes of sleep.

Another scary part: I had JUST gotten him to sleep after a change/feed at 6:45am on Thursday and some lab techs walked in to draw blood from his foot. Lucky for us, the tech was BRAND NEW and even admitted she was scared to touch the baby. So of course she made him massively cry which of course made me massively cry. I just wanted my parents and Tyler to get back to the hospital ASAP!

So that’s just about it. A nice, easy peasy birth. And now we have a handsome little dude in our house that I would die for because I love him so freaking much.

PPS: he is a hipster baby

Wesley Arlo Linton, 4/15/15, 7lbs 15oz, 21.5in, 100% handsome