I am having a massively uncool day.

It started with my stupid decision to review the immigration website. Obviously MORE changes have been made, so we will have to take those into consideration before sending our complete application. I don’t even want to go into it because it’s just so much information and it’s so overwhelming and it makes me grit my teeth and scream. ugh.

Then: bootcamp. My co-instructor pretty much wrote up this entire class. It was good, but for some reason my body was just not responding. Do you even know how embarrassing it was to be an instructor and be behind your entire class? As class went on, my inner feelings were just combusting into a ginormous ball of embarrassment, failure and anger. I almost couldn’t wait for it to be over, but as soon as it was, I was even more mad at myself for mentally giving up.

Once Tyler gets home from work we are heading over to the Registry to register my car (finally) and get me an Alberta license. From previous experience with the Registry, I know this is not going to go well. I mean, I DID threaten my life to the last agent I dealt with.

I’d say that I can’t wait for sleep time, but that’s not going so well either. I hate my pillow, the mattress, the dog taking over my space and the lack of darkness in our room. Plus, I’m not as exhausted at the end of the day like I was when I was living in Boston. No 9-5er to keep me awake; no real time demands of me. Nothing. I try to keep myself busy during the day, in hopes of having a good night’s sleep but it just hasn’t happened yet.

AND. I miss my ‘normal.’ I miss classes with the girls, the CBC bus, drinks with Boston friends, going home to be with family, being independent, making money. Insert another ‘ugh’ here. I so so so badly want to hurry up and get in my groove, with my own friends and my own schedule. This time of unemployment and new environment has really just showed me how independent I really am, and how much I loved my surroundings.

Maybe that’s all just a defense mechanism. As soon as I feel helpless, I blame any and everything I can. I need to appreciate everything I have been given and all the positives that are in my life. Sometimes it’s just hard. And now that I have this blog, I can use it to just write down my feelings. Once I know it’s all out in the open, I feel slightly better. MUCH better than when I used to bottle my feelings- only to have them massively explode into something that never needed to happen.

On a happier note, this is my to-do list for the rest of the week:

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